Selflessness” is a self-destructive, codependent behavior pattern that our culture idealizes in women. It’s no surprise, then, that many women demand “selflessness” of each other and ourselves. What “selflessness” amounts to, in practice, is a few things; for one, you’re completely dependent on other people to take care of your basic needs, since you’re not allowed to ask for anything or advocate for yourself. Which leads to manipulation and guilt-tripping and all sorts of unappealing behavior. For two, other people can deny your needs at any time, because the very fact of having needs makes you less than “selfless,” and therefore unworthy. When you demand “selflessness” from yourself, you’re committing to a sort of emotional starvation, and a really unhealthy and unhappy life. When you demand “selflessness” from others, you’re telling them that you want to disrespect them and take them for granted. And you’re buying into an old, sexist standard of womanhood. You should be generous, you should be empathetic, you should be kind, you should be self-reflective and self-improving, you should listen to people and work hard. All of those are good things. But you should not be “selfless.” Anyone who asks you to be that does not have your best interests at heart.