Transformation and Transcendence: The Power of Female Friendship at The Rumpus

I love female friendships and also I loved this essay. Read it! It features a group of women called The Wrinklies… not sure what more you could want.

A few weeks ago, I went with some friends to a bar with a dance floor. The last time I had attended this establishment, a man quickly decided to fall in love with me, which was fun until I discovered that he had attended an anti-abortion rally earlier that day. (He realized that I was an activist, and told me about the protest hoping to impress me.) This time, I wasn’t looking for romance, but I wouldn’t have minded dancing with some fun strangers.

Once on the dance floor, my friends and I soon decided to move closer to the DJ booth, because there were some dudes standing on the sidelines in the back, staring. Once we moved up, however, we realized that there were dudes staring from the sidelines in the front, too. We were literally surrounded by sketchy staring dudes. Once in awhile, one of these dudes would approach a woman from behind and start grinding with her. I saw several instances of men trying this and women just walking away.

THANKS PATRIARCHY for teaching these men that the best way to interact with women is the jungle stalk and attack strategy!!

I talk about the male gaze in media often (oh hai California Gurls (one time some acquaintances thought I was accusing Katy Perry videos of playing to the male gays)), but this time I viscerally felt it in real life. I couldn’t dance for my own personal enjoyment (which anyone who knows me will tell you I can generally do in any setting at a moment’s notice) because I felt like an object for these men’s entertainment. Eventually I sat down in a booth alone, sipping ice water until my ride was ready to leave.

To repeat: I say this as a woman who is not necessarily averse to dancing with strangers in clubs. Here, in my view, is how that process should go:

1. Two people are dancing near each other. (Note: Two people. Both dancing. Neither standing to the side wide-eyed and gape-mouthed.)
2. They make eye contact and dance toward each other.
3. They start dancing together! (Note: In a busy dance floor context, one person asking the other to dance is optional. BUT if either person is SURPRISED or DISPLEASED to suddenly find hirself dancing with another person, something has gone wrong.)

Isn’t it amazing how this patented process (patent-pending) includes neither gawking at nor sneaking up on anyone? Feel free to print, laminate, and disseminate at your next night on the town.

The other day, an awesome ten-year-old girl (she’s a self-trained unicyclist) told me that she doesn’t socialize much with the other girls in her class, because they are too into drama. I was sad to hear this because throughout my life, my friendships with girls and women have been sustaining, and by-and-large drama free (including the one with my childhood bestie, who has unicycled across the Golden Gate Bridge). There is this perpetual myth going around that if a girl is cool enough, she won’t get along with other girls. This is a patriarchy-induced delusion - that the dudes are truly the cool ones out there, and that cool ladies are anomalies who can’t mix with their own kind.

A few weeks ago was International Women’s Day/Feminist Coming Out Day. The day manifested for me as a multi-generational feminist love-fest on Facebook. We complimented each other’s organizing, posted on our love for feminism, helped older friends create explicitly feminist profile pictures, and in general passed around a lot of support and pride. Even though this was all over the internet, I was surprised by how refreshing the whole thing felt. Feminist women tend to get portrayed as negative humorless harpies, but my relationships with other feminists tend to bring me a whole lot of joy. As I feel overwhelmed with all there is to fight in the larger world, I am grateful for the wonderful women (and men!) I have found to fight alongside me.

I am so happy that the unicyclist knows how to be happy on her own, but I trust that she will also find some other awesome girls to ride with.

I recently learned about some sad statistics in elementary school education. And they are probably not even the sad statistics you are thinking of! In school, boys get lots more individual attention from teachers than girls, both positive and negative - including getting called on and getting disciplined. Also, when girls make academic mistakes or get frustrated, teachers tend to say things like “That’s okay!” or “Good try.” When boys make mistakes, teachers are much more likely to make comments like “Try again!” or “You can do better than that.” This is not just a guess that some “humanist” made up, in fact it is based on research in many classrooms across the country. This is sad because it is probably based on stereotyped expectations about what girls can handle (yes: sitting quietly, no: high expectations or criticism), and then it goes on to perpetuate those behaviors and expectations. THANKS PATRIARCHY!

I got really sad learning this, and thinking about specific times that I have been personally affected by these expectations - the meetings that the men in the room dominated, the women who have told me great insights but won’t share them in large groups because they don’t want to waste people’s time, the times I’ve been ostracized for being outspoken and female, etc. I talked about it with a friend who was a women’s studies major in college, and she sympathized but said that she hasn’t really felt the effects all that much in her own personal life. A few days later, we were in a class we both have, where we are required to post comments on a class blog. My friend shared that she appreciated it being mandatory, because then she didn’t feel bad about thinking that people would want to read her opinion. Why would she feel bad about that? She has good opinions! Could it be that she too has gotten the grand opportunity to internalize sexism?

The patriarchy is so generous - affecting the way you think, and not even taking credit for it!