I recently received this dispatch from my friend Mary, who updates us on life as a talented female student and reminds me of one of the many reasons I am happy to be out of college. 

I am in an accelerated math class at my community college, where two semesters of material are covered in one.  I really like the format of the class because it emphasizes creating a learning community and working in groups, which are two of my favorite things in school.  All the students are expected to work together outside of class on most of the homework assignments.  This is good for me, because I learn best when I explain material to another student, or talk it out.  It is also good for students like my classmate (let’s call him Jim) who seems to learn best from specific one-on-one explanations.  You would think this would make us totally awesome study buddies, right?  WRONG.  Thanks to the patriarchy, I have had my last study session with Jim.

 See, I am much better at math than Jim.  Much, MUCH better.  He is struggling with the material, and I am flying through it.  This isn’t the problem though, because I like explaining and he likes being explained to.  The problem is that I am a woman and he is a man and we live in the patriarchy.  Every day after class, we talk over the homework a little before I have to go to work.  Usually our conversations go like this:

Jim:  “Did you understand X concept at all?”

Me:  “Yes.”

Jim: “REALLY?!?!?!!!???”

Me: “Yes.”

Jim: “Could you show me?”

(I show him, he gets some of it but not all of it)

Me:  “See you tomorrow.”

Jim: “Yeah, if you have any questions about the homework call or text or something and I’ll help you out.”

Even though Jim is comfortable asking for my help in studying and completing the homework, he still tries to make me feel like he is doing me a favor and like my understanding of the concept is below his. He is constantly surprised when I know the answer, and pleased when I do not (even good students make mistakes).  This problem also crops up when I am tutoring him on specific problems.  Jim will get the incorrect answer, while I get the correct answer.  If the problem is odd-numbered we can just check the answer in the back of the book and I can prove that I am right.  He will then ask me to show him how I got my answer, which I am happy to do.  If the problem is even however, the answer is not in the back of the book and he must take my word for it which he won’t do unless I can show him a specific error in his arithmetic.  If the error is conceptual, he won’t believe that I understand it correctly and he understands it incorrectly.  If I explain the concept to him more than twice and he still doesn’t get it, he will write down the wrong answer in his homework and then ask the professor during class.  When she shows him the same answer that I got he will turn to me and say “Ohhhh, so THAT is what you meant.”  This happens even if the answer is something like “2x+4” and there are only so many ways I could have meant that. 

This really bugs me.  Jim is a pleasant enough fellow, who has a good sense of humor and a learning style that is extremely compatible with mine.  If he were better able to listen to me about a subject that I am well-versed in we would BOTH benefit.  Instead, during every study session I am constantly made to feel like every correct answer I get is a fluke, and that he is doing me a favor by confirming what I already know.  I like Jim well enough, but when I study with him I find myself second guessing my answers and feeling afraid to disagree with him even when I know he is wrong.  Instead of the two of us working together to strengthen our understanding, he sabotages my skills and reinforces his mistakes.  So from now on, Jim and I will study separately. 

 Thanks Patriarchy, for making him SO INCREDULOUS that I could understand math concepts better than a boy.  Thanks for making him refuse to believe that I can be good at this, and thanks for making me believe it enough that I was willing to put up with him for more than 5 seconds.

Thanks Mary, though I am skeptical about the part where you call him a “pleasant enough fellow.” If you readers want to share your own notes from the lovely patriarchy we live in, just drop me a line!