A few weeks ago, I went with some friends to a bar with a dance floor. The last time I had attended this establishment, a man quickly decided to fall in love with me, which was fun until I discovered that he had attended an anti-abortion rally earlier that day. (He realized that I was an activist, and told me about the protest hoping to impress me.) This time, I wasn’t looking for romance, but I wouldn’t have minded dancing with some fun strangers.

Once on the dance floor, my friends and I soon decided to move closer to the DJ booth, because there were some dudes standing on the sidelines in the back, staring. Once we moved up, however, we realized that there were dudes staring from the sidelines in the front, too. We were literally surrounded by sketchy staring dudes. Once in awhile, one of these dudes would approach a woman from behind and start grinding with her. I saw several instances of men trying this and women just walking away.

THANKS PATRIARCHY for teaching these men that the best way to interact with women is the jungle stalk and attack strategy!!

I talk about the male gaze in media often (oh hai California Gurls (one time some acquaintances thought I was accusing Katy Perry videos of playing to the male gays)), but this time I viscerally felt it in real life. I couldn’t dance for my own personal enjoyment (which anyone who knows me will tell you I can generally do in any setting at a moment’s notice) because I felt like an object for these men’s entertainment. Eventually I sat down in a booth alone, sipping ice water until my ride was ready to leave.

To repeat: I say this as a woman who is not necessarily averse to dancing with strangers in clubs. Here, in my view, is how that process should go:

1. Two people are dancing near each other. (Note: Two people. Both dancing. Neither standing to the side wide-eyed and gape-mouthed.)
2. They make eye contact and dance toward each other.
3. They start dancing together! (Note: In a busy dance floor context, one person asking the other to dance is optional. BUT if either person is SURPRISED or DISPLEASED to suddenly find hirself dancing with another person, something has gone wrong.)

Isn’t it amazing how this patented process (patent-pending) includes neither gawking at nor sneaking up on anyone? Feel free to print, laminate, and disseminate at your next night on the town.